Petruska’s Last Letter

Petruska left the following letter in the hotel room. I received it this week from Amsterdam. Her family and old friends believe it was intended for all her friends, colleagues, and students and have agreed to place it here for all to read. It was written in longhand in her a4 notepad, which was left open at the applicable page.The letter suggests she was content with her life, and as i am finding out more, she had been reflecting upon this for some considerable time.

* * *

PLEASE Do Not Rescuscitate Please

My will is in my wallet with my passport. I have no next of kin.

I love being in this city of canals and liberal laws. It is raining and I am happy. I believe that it is a basic human right to decide when you want to die – abortion after all is taking the life of another human being. But soon this will have to be considered as the elderly over-populate and over-burden the planet. In time perhaps people like me will be given incentives to do it. Or at least supported, even approved of, valued.

Freedom must include the right to choose whose slave you want to be or not.

I have understood that my research of recent years retains its continuity and integrity - from apartheid, women’s liberation, gay rights, & with Vincent, changing English Law to prevent more abuses of clients and students etc. etc. – generally the alleviation of human suffering and the development of human potential*.

I could have done better, but I could certainly have done worse.

*However, the clues are all there already. Hidden in my previous published and unpublished writings. I am sorry that I did not have the time and protection to spell this out.

I am grateful and feel blessed by my life’s gifts. I have loved and been loved like few other women I have ever met. Several long times. Many short eternities too. I’ve always loved my womb.

Fortune – I have made some but not been interested enough not to just give it away (e.g. a million pound p.a. turnover company for 1 penny!). And that’s only 1 example of many more…

Fame – didn’t like it. Wasn’t suited to it. Researched it. Hurt me more than helped me. Even on such a minor scale. Read it.

I’ve been to wonder-full places, had amaze-ing experiences and interacted with beauty. I have been happier than I ever imagined humans could be in these last years.

I’ve had a sufficiency. My tummy for life is full and pc wants to go home now.

Yes, fear (of survival),
grief,
anger, but mostly
peace = full-ness,
mostly joy,
gratitude and love
mostly.

* * *

As Rumi said:

“In the absence of malice there is nothing but happiness and good times. Don't dwell in sorrow my friend.”

I don’t think Petruska would want it, and she has left us much work to get on with.

John Nuttall

You have my solemn assurance that nothing has been omitted or the letter edited in anyway.

Petruska’s Cremation

Petuska was cremated on Wednesday 14^th June. Alone, as she left the world alone. This is the way she requested it, and after contacting and discussing it with her relatives and old friends, it is the way we agreed it should be.

But as we are finding out, she was never really alone. She changed the life of almost everyone she met, and she remains in the hearts of many. She was not afraid of death because, I think, she knew she would live on in our hearts and minds, through her work and in our memories. This is surely shown by the comments in this log.

I make no apology, therefore, for another Rumi poem, and I invite you all to take special note of the last stanza:

You mustn't be afraid of death
you're a deathless soul
you can't be kept in a dark grave
you're filled with God's glow

when your heart is immersed
in this blissful love
you can easily endure
any bitter face around

in the absence of malice
there is nothing but
happiness and good times
don't dwell in sorrow my friend

John Nuttall

Dear friends, colleagues and fellow Physians,

It is with great sorrow that we announced that Petruska Clarkson died on the evening of Sunday, 21^st May, 2006. She was 58 years old.

Following a successful address at Greenwich University and a number of supervision seminars last summer, Petruska had been travelling and chose to settle for a while in Holland, visiting and staying with friends. Her contact, with anyone, had been intermittent during this time and so it is impossible to say anything about her immediate perspective on life. In the last few days she booked into a hotel, and on the above Sunday chose to take an overdose of various pills and, apparently, died peacefully.

Petruska had a number of personal, professional and material difficulties, which, as many know, were the source of some anguish and sorrow. As we know, she was a highly creative and sensitive person, and there is probably a limit to the amount of turmoil that such a personality can bear. There are indications in her will, and the short note she left behind, that she had thought seriously about her life and death for some time. And there may be many reasons, we cannot know about, for her decision. She discussed with many, over the last year or so, her contribution to life and frequently expressed that she was content with what she had achieved and given. Even so, many of us believed she had more to contribute – but, maybe, it is just our desire that makes us want more.

I thought about her decision in the light of the following poem by Rumi.

OH HAPPY DAY

Oh happy day when in your presence,
my ruler, I shall die!
When near the sugar-treasure melting
like sugar I shall die!

Out of my dust will grow a thousand
of centrifolias
When in the shade of yonder cypress
in gardens I shall die.

And when you pour into my goblet
the bitter drink of death,
I'll kiss the goblet full of joy,
dear and drunken I shall die.

I may turn yellow like the autumn
when people speak of death,
Thanks to your smiling lips: like springtime
and smiling shall I die.

I have died many times, but your breath
made me alive again,
Should I die thus a hundred more times
I happily shall die!

A child that dies in mother's bosom,
that's how I am, my friend,
For in the bosom of His Mercy
and kindness, I shall die.

Say: Where would death be for the lovers?
Impossible is that!
For in the fountain of the Water of Life
- there I shall die!

Having communicated with many of you, I sense the feelings of sadness, waste, anger, and, for some, meaninglessness about her decision. These, and many more, are the feelings we must bear.

In her will Petruska wrote, “I insist that there be no funeral, cremation or memorial service of any kind held for me. Instead I wish sincerely that all those who have valued my work just continue to ‘help the people’ in the spirit of Physis as they are”.

In time we will want to come together to celebrate her work, but in the immediate term I would ask you all to respect her memory, and her wishes.

Petruska was out of touch with her family and no one has yet been able to contact them. However, we are in touch with her dear and trusted friends around the world. Please address your condolences to her ‘family, friends, and colleagues’, as we all feel her loss.

John Nuttall

Executor of her estate

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